The unbridled awesomeness of keytars

The unbridled awesomeness of keytars

I know you all have this sneaking feeling that guitars suck and keytars are freaking awesome, but you can’t quite put your finger on the exact reasons why. Or perhaps you’ve always known that keytars are superior, but you’re scared of how your peers will react when they discover your views? Well I’ve been conducting some in-depth scientific research into this issue and I’ve compiled a definitive list of why keytars are humanity’s greatest instrument.

1. Difficulty

Playing guitar is piss easy. You just put your left hand in one of three pre-approved positions on six strings and then do whatever the fuck you want with your right hand. This is enough to sound as good as any bit of popular guitar based music. With a keytar you’ve got at least 36 different keys to master, and it sounds crap to keep tapping the same 6 over and over again so you’ll need to put a lot more effort in.

2. Uniqueness.

Everybody and their uncle plays guitar. This is because everybody wants to sound like the Beatles or Oasis. If you manage it, you’ll stand out from the massive herd of identical string pluckers.

3. Versatility

Guitars can only make one sound. Keytars can make fuckloads of different sounds. Even toy keytars made for children in the eighties have at least 64 sounds. That’s 64 times better than a guitar.

4. Futuristic

Keytars are made out of silicon and plastic and microchips and LEDs and lasers. Guitars are made out of dead trees and old bits of string.

5. Legacy

If you play a keytar you’ll either sound like you’re from the 80s or you’ll sound like you’re from the future. If you play a guitar you’ll sound like you’re from the sixties. The future is awesome, the eighties were awesome but the sixties were utter shit.

6. Awesomeness

You can play the synthesizer riff from The Final Countdown on a keytar, but you can’t do it on a guitar. I rest my case

7. Gender-Inclusive

Guitars are misogynist. As a blatantly obvious phallic symbol, women who attempt to play a guitar are becoming unwitting symbols of patriarchal oppression. Keytars are non-phallic so women are able to play them while still maintaining their full dignity and independence. Also, if a woman plays a guitar wearing high heels she’ll definitely fall over. All modern keytars contain internal stabilising gyroscopes to prevent this from happening.


Keytar Pioneer

8. Innovation

Guitars have been around for hundreds of years and no-one has had any new ideas to make them better for at least 50. Keytars have only been around for like 30 years and bad-ass keytar scientists are coming up with sweet new ideas all the time. Just check this mother fucker out:


9. Multicultural

All keytars feature both white and black keys working together in perfect racial harmony. Guitars offer no such vision of our multicultural future and are therefore racist.