This article will take you on a journey into the fascinating world of the keytar. I know you all have this sneaking feeling that guitars suck and keytars are freaking awesome, but you can’t quite put your finger on the exact reasons why. Or perhaps you’ve always known that the keytar is superior, but you’ve been scared of how your peers will react when they discover your beliefs? Well I’ve been conducting some in-depth scientific research into this issue and I’ve compiled a definitive list of why keytars are humanity’s greatest instrument.
1. Keytars are Difficult
Playing guitar is piss easy. You just put your left hand in one of three pre-approved positions on six strings and then do whatever the fuck you want with your right hand. This is enough to sound as good as any bit of popular guitar based music. With a keytar you’ve got at least 36 different keys to master, and it sounds crap to keep tapping the same 6 over and over again so you’ll need to put a lot more effort in.
2. Keytars are Unique
Everybody and their uncle plays guitar. This is because everybody wants to sound like the Beatles or Oasis. If you choose to take a different path from the mindless herd and master the keytar, you’ll stand out from the massive herd of identical string pluckers. Even if you barely achieve mediocrity you’ll still look pretty special in comparison.
3. Keytars are Versatile
Guitars can only make one sound. Keytars can make fuckloads of different sounds. Even toy keytars made for children in the eighties have at least 64 sounds. That’s 64 times better than a guitar.
4. They are from the Future
Keytars are made out of silicon and plastic and microchips and LEDs and lasers. Guitars are made out of dead trees and old bits of string.
5. The Legacy
If you play a keytar you’ll either sound like you’re from the 80s or you’ll sound like you’re from the future. If you play a guitar you’ll sound like you’re from the sixties. The future is awesome, the eighties were awesome but the sixties were utter shit.
6. The Path to Awesomeness
You can play the synthesizer riff from The Final Countdown on a keytar, but you can’t do it on a guitar. I rest my case
Guitars are misogynist. As a blatantly obvious phallic symbol, women who attempt to play a guitar are becoming unwitting symbols of patriarchal oppression. Keytars are non-phallic so women are able to play them while still maintaining their full dignity and independence. Also, if a woman plays a guitar wearing high heels she’ll definitely fall over. All modern keytars contain internal stabilising gyroscopes to prevent this from happening.
8. Extreme Innovation
Guitars have been around for hundreds of years and no-one has had any new ideas to make them better for at least 50. Keytars have only been around for like 30 years and bad-ass keytar scientists are coming up with sweet new ideas all the time. Just check this mother fucker out:
All keytars feature both white and black keys working together in perfect racial harmony. Guitars offer no such vision of our multicultural future and are therefore racist.
10. Keytar Justice
A recent scientific study has shown that high court judges who played a keytar solo while reading out a guilty verdict had dramatically lower chances of their convictions being successfully appealed at a later date.